i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
