Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
