I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
