i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just had sex on a roof
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
