I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
