My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
