he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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