just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
