the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
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