Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
