i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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