I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
