Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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