So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The beer is more important than you right now.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
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If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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