k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
