there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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