i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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