Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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