My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
