..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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