You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
