Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
