There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
