I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
