you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
