no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
