My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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