And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
