Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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