I want to make a zoo with you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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