my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
