I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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