Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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