put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
