Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
