my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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