Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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