When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
should my penis look like a turkey
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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