I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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