drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Still dying that you shit outside
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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