I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
