I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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