I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
