I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have aggressive nipples.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
