Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
