she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
