can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
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That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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