Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
