Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
