That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
