What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
