my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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