but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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