I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
