I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
