there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
