he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
