yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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