I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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