I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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