I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
